hAPPY bIRTHDAY graham... Fight like mike
Hi you,
I had coffee with Briana this morning.
It is always a gift and inspiring to be with her.
We are trying to inspire each other to keep working on our books.
Our new goal - finish by the end of 2025.
We are hopeful but you know… life with kids …haha.
However, most importantly,
when we are together,
we feel like we can be
our true messy widowselves.
And that’s the real gift.
It’s hard , ya know?
To do widowing right. Haha
It is a rainy Tuesday.
I am feeling overwhelmed
with Christmas
and all the things.
I came to the office to escape it all.
You know I am good at that…..
Your favorite queen procrastinator
and avoidance of all hard things.
But I came to write …
and write to you I guess .
Or God,
whoever has patience to listen to me
cry out yet again today. Lol
On my way here ….
I passed three cars with a 329 on the license plate.
You and God are always guiding me when I am listening.
And doing things that will help my anxious and overwhelmed heart.
Sunday was Graham's birthday.
The morning of, I found this sweet picture.
And can't get the image out of my thoughts.
I have been trying to think of the perfect blog post to go with this picture.
But the picture really speaks for itself.
It completely stopped me in my rushing Sunday morning tracks
to get all the things done…..
Move the damn elves, make a birthday sign, make pancakes.
Open presents, put up the mattress in the living room and
clean the house before company, take a shower.
And make it to early church all before 8:30 am.
I saw the picture and tears filled my eyes .
I sat down.
I showed it to Graham and told him it was you holding him.
He just stared at the picture and smiled.
We miss you on these mornings.
You always gave them birthday spankings.
Graham and I talked about that,
But in true me form… I forgot. I am Sorry .
He had a really fun day.
We all did.
And were surrounded by so much love.
Everybody loves him.
I think back to 9 years ago,
my heart aches a little.
Ok a lot.
I wish you were still here to hold him in your lap
and look at him like that one more time .
He came into our lives during the busiest month.
He stopped us smack dab in the middle
our Christmas chaotic frenzy.
And 9 years later he is still teaching me to slow down.
He told me he was sick on Monday…
his typical Monday morning hangover.
But this one was a big birthday one… so I caved…
I was feeling the same overwhelm, here was my excuse too.
He said he had a sore throat like Jake had the week before.
Smart, Graham.
Celia asked me if he ended up going to school when I picked her up that afternoon.
When I told her no,
she said I know you are worried that he is behind in reading
but he is no dummy and actually really smart.
Because you fall for his fake excuses every time.
Insert eye roll to another smart child.
When I was running with Carolyn this morning ,
we were talking about Graham and his reading struggles.
She is coaching me bc one of her kiddos has the same trouble with reading.
She was telling me what Eliza’s wise teachers have taught her
about kids like him who have a slow processing delay.
These experts explain that these kids are the ones
who TEACH us ….
to slow down.
And I have been thinking about her saying that all morning.
Graham is this gift.
I keep looking at this picture.
I keep trying to stay as present ,
as you were holding him in that moment.
He gave us the gift of slowing down that December 2015
(in what we thought was our craziest season of life ever)
Little did we know what 2016 and the next 4 years would have in store.
I want to slow down .
I want to look at all three of them that way this season.
Not gonna lie,
teenage attitudes are making it difficult... lol… insert even more eyes rolling.
I have been listening to Carrie Underwoods and Jeremy Camps
versions of Away in the Manger on repeat ,
like I did the Christmas of 2016 when you were sick.
Be Near me Lord Jesus.
I want to feel you near.
And feel God near.
Be near me Lord Jesus.
Be near me Lord
Be near me
Be near
Be.
Help me to remember
that God is holding me
like you were holding Graham
that day in you arms.
When just being born was enough.
It was simply enough.
Help remind me during this season
of trying to do it all...
And get it all right.
Help me while I order the wrong gifts,
Mess up the cookies, forget to move the elves,
decorate the tree with the wrong colored lights( according to Jake),
drag angry kids to tutoring,
while I disappoint them more than make them happy.
Help remind me God,
in the season of too many task
and not enough time.
Remind me…
That you are near.
And that just being held by you
and
SEEN by you...
is enough.
It
is
always
Enough.
This picture reminded me to slow down.
and remember I am human.
Rob reminded me that this morning too,
we are human and we need a pressure release sometimes.
As the Holiday pressure builds in your house too,
give yourself permission to slow down
and remember you are loved
and seen
just because you were born.
I want to slow down and really see the kids
for exactly who God made them to be.
Help remind me of this in my frustrations.
To show Grace
and love...
It's not easy.
We keep bravely swimming through it all.
We miss you Mike,
But I know you are near.
I know God is near.
Help us feel that.
Could you maybe talk Graham out wanting a DIRT BIKE… ok thanks
That’s all .
Love you, Snookie.
Me
